The Marmot

Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne has stunned political and economic commentators by announcing plans to introduce a tax on self pleasure. A spokesman for number 11 said ‘Over the years successive governments have sought to generate extra income ...Read More

After shocking elderly viewers with their gritty depiction of the rape of a main character this week, the writers of Downton Abbey have revealed that there are plans afoot to make the period drama appeal to a younger demographic. ...Read More

Commentators are hailing this week as a momentous one for science following several scientific breakthroughs from the University of Lagos in Nigeria. Chibuihem Amalaha, a postgraduate student at UoL wowed the academic community this week by ‘disproving homosexuality’ using ...Read More

Following revelations that a university graduate was made to dance to Daft Punk during the interview process for a shop floor job at Currys, The Marmot has learnt that an increasing number of employers are using selection methods that wouldn’t ...Read More

Rolf Harris has become the latest 80s celebrity to be charged with sex offences as a result of the Police’s investigation into Saville-era TV noncery “Operation Yewtree”. It is widely thought that Harris is alleged to have been caught ...Read More

Government officials are today preparing options for a non-military response to the conflict in Syria following a humiliating defeat for David Cameron in a parliamentary vote on Britain’s involvement in any US-led strikes. The Conservative-Liberal coalition were defeated by ...Read More

Crowds have lined Leicester Square this week to see One Direction premiering their new movie, ‘This Is Us’ at the Empire Theatre. “It was like a massive oestrogen-fest,” confessed the boy-band’s bodyguard, “and that was before the screaming fans ...Read More

A Peruvian national has been arrested on smuggling charges in London according to Scotland Yard. Paddington Bear, 63, from Lima was arrested at 2:05 on Brick Lane carrying a suitcase full of pure, uncut marmalade sandwiches with a street ...Read More

After wowing technology observers with his plans for a near-supersonic ‘Hyperloop’ transport system linking Los Angeles and San Francisco, US entrepreneur Elon Musk has unveiled the British side of the project. Dubbed ‘HS3’, the project is set to link ...Read More

The quality of British criminals is in steady decline according to a new report by the Police Research Authority, amid a national scandal involving stolen quiche in Berwick. Hapless robbers broke into Cafe@Marshalls in Berwick-upon-Tweed, Northumberland last night in ...Read More