Apple

Apple

Technology giant Apple is about to make its first foray into the lucrative world of medical technology this week when it unveils the long awaited iColon.

The device is thought to be a new method of aftercare for patients who have undergone a colostomy, which is the removal of part of the colon, often due to cancer or other ailments. The procedure historically requires the patient to wear a pouch, or ‘colostomy bag’ connected via a tube collect their fecal matter.

“For too long patients have had to endure the indignity of emptying their colostomy bags and spraying ¬†crap everywhere in the process” said Tim Cook, CEO of Apple. “So we thought the logical thing to do was give it a funky brushed aluminium overhaul and make it wireless.”

A patent filed in California suggests that the iColon will operate over Bluetooth technology. Brendan Sumpguard, a commentator for prominent computing site Arse Technica was less upbeat however, telling The Marmot “It’s all very well and good building a bluetooth poo extraction system for the incontinent hipster around town, but many telephony products run over Bluetooth too.”

“What happens if you pair it with your mobile phone? You’ll end up talking shit all day.”

It is widely thought that a smaller, cheaper version for the elderly called the iColon Nanna will be along within a few months.

iColon Nanna

iColon Nanna