Mel S. Meles Esq.

Badgers are the UK’s most prevalent animal species involved in traffic accidents according to a new survey by Cardiff University. Their new ‘Project Splatter’ report suggests that the plucky mustelidae account for 25% of reported roadkill incidents.

Graham Charlton, head of policy for DEFRA said “It seems that we’ve been wasting millions of public money on the badger cull assuming that badgers have no natural predators, when in fact the apex predator of their eco-system is the motor car.”

“As our policy of shooting them isn’t working particularly well, to speed up the cull we’ve ordered 1000 badger sized bicycles and we’re making it compulsory for them to cycle through London traffic at least twice a day.”

Mel S. Meles, a badger from Wolverhampton declared that the free bicycles initiative would be a boon for his kind.

“You see the thing is that us badgers love cycling. Most of us have at least a basic cycling proficiency certificate so we’re not going to lose out there, it’s our stumpy little feet that make it difficult to get out of the way of a raging juggernaut.”

“And having the bike will let me cough on a shit load more cows.”