Cameron's piles are playing up againGovernment officials are today preparing options for a non-military response to the conflict in Syria following a humiliating defeat for David Cameron in a parliamentary vote on Britain’s involvement in any US-led strikes.

The Conservative-Liberal coalition were defeated by a narrow margin in the common vote which was triggered by alleged use of chemical weapons by Bashar al-Assad’s Syrian regime.

Whitehall sources suggest that the UK may now try to expand its range of ‘non-lethal’ responses which could include:

  • Giving Assad a ‘Chinese burn’
  • Parachuting a troop of boss-eyed cats into Damascus
  • Eating more hummus
  • Training opposition fighters to deliver devastating wedgies.
A boss eyed cat

A boss eyed cat

Ministry of Defence spokesman Pat Sharp said “Of course we knew that there was a chance that we’d be forced into not killing more people in response to some people killing people, so we have a comprehensive ‘plan B’ on the Syrian issue.”

“No-one liked a Chinese burn at school, but as it’s almost impossible to hurt an adult with one it sends a clear warning message that Britain is a force to be reckoned with in the modern defence arena.”

Government scientists at the Porton Down weapons research facility are thought to have developed a wedgie so severe the recipient is left in mild discomfort for up to ten minutes. So far only a handful of senior SAS officers have been taught the technique which is thought to involve a rolled up newspaper and a packet of Polos.