£2.7 million house, Hampstead

£2.7 million house, Hampstead

A new report published today suggests that the majority of British housing is now of such a poor quality that scientists may have to reclassify wallpaper as a structural item.

Included on a list of complaints among residents were:

  • PAPER THIN walls allowing people to hear their neighbours doing everything, from eating Coco Pops right through to light fingering.
  • A lack of storage for ASSAULT WEAPONS
  • BEAR PITS under floors.
  • Back garden shale gas FRACKING operations
  • Infestations of NEIGHBOURS

Future Housing Commission chairman Sir John Barmcake said: “There is no better time to tackle the UK housing crisis.

“After a year-long national inquiry, the Future Housing Commission has concluded that most houses in Britain are in fact depressing death traps that could fall apart at any second”

35 year old Ronald Trumpet, a ‘media node’ from Brighton said “We are really in a dodgy situation when one can’t even have an afternoon shuffle without the ceiling falling in on you.”