The quality of British criminals is in steady decline according to a new report by the Police Research Authority, amid a national scandal involving stolen quiche in Berwick.

Quiche

Quiche is the word

Hapless robbers broke into Cafe@Marshalls in Berwick-upon-Tweed, Northumberland last night in search of quiche, and barricaded themselves in when police arrived.

“When we got the call we thought someone was having a laugh to be honest, I mean who’d pay for a quiche never mind risk jail to get some,” said Lt Ian Barmcake of Northumberland Police.

“Previous calls to cafe break-ins have involved incidents such as two midgets eating their weight in steak slices from the Greggs in Eldon Square and attempts by an eastern European gang to lace iced fingers with smack, but at least those incidents were on the scale of criminal plausibility.”

Bonnie Langford, “Great Train Robber” and one of Britain’s most wanted criminals for years said “Back in my day you’d have been laughed out of the manor if you stole quiche. It’s not even worth anything on the black market. I managed to shift some moody sausage rolls I got from a lock-up baker in Ealing but the fuzz were all over that sort of shit at the time.”

“It makes me sick to think that today’s robbers aren’t flying the flag for the great British tea leaf proper. It’s only a matter of time before we’ve got Gok Wan embezzling fondant fancies as our flagship thievery.”