Cigarette packets to ‘make fags attractive again’


The Government is to delay plans to introduce plain packaging on cigarettes in the UK following pressure from consumers and the tobacco lobby.

Instead of featuring graphic warnings about the dangers of smoking and a complete absence of branding, the way is now clear for manufacturers to introduce packets designed to re-introduce people to the sweet, smooth pleasures of smoking.

Announcing a tie-in between British American Tobacco and Fisher Price, spokesman Bob Jockstrap said “For too long smoking has been the exclusive preserve of adults. With the creation of our new super-low ‘My First Tabs’ range, the freedom to create a packet with bright primary colours and maybe a Teletubby or something instead of a picture of a diseased lung will help us reach a new generation. When they’re old enough to reach the newsagent counter for themselves of course.”


A mockup of the new Marlboro packet

The news was also well received by the pro-smoking group FOREST. Speaking from intensive care in his local emphysema ward, their spokesman added “A victory for the right of people to not be treated like an omni-tard in respect to their lifestyle choices. The next step for us is to get more positive messages introduced on the packs such as ‘Smoking Makes You Look Hard’ or maybe the classic ‘Fags Go Nice With A Pint’.