SImon Cowell

Simon Cowell

As details emerge of baby allegations surrounding Simon Cowell and American socialite Lauren Silverman, The Marmot has learned that the sperm that Cowell allegedly used to sire his rumoured childĀ had to take part in an X-Factor style audition process.

A source close to Cowell said “It’s just like in the early stages of the TV competition. There’s a load of mentalists in there, a few that are ok but should probably just keep doing karaoke and then a few dozen who might have what it takes.”

“He then basically gives them all tiny microphones and asks them to sing their hearts out.”

However one key difference between this process and the TV show is thought to be that having a relative who is dying and/or a cripple doesn’t increase a sperm’s chances of reaching the final, also known as the ‘Impregnathon’, in which TV viewers get to vote for which of the lucky hopefuls gets to breach the ovum.

Competition for the post of ‘head sperm’ is intense and the prize is thought to consist of a ‘full life contract’ with one of the music industry’s most powerful figures. However sources fear for the safety of any eggs near the media mogul after he brazenly broke several on his face on live TV.

Artists impression of the 'Impregnathon'

Artists impression of the ‘Impregnathon’