Tonight's finalists

Tonight’s finalists

Tonight the final two contestants will battle it out for the honour of being one of Britain’s most objectionable human beings in the final of the BBC’s ‘The Apprentice’.

The current series has seen the contestants slowly whittled down via a series of challenges such as selling beefburgers to geese, creating a dating website for serial killers and illegally harvesting toddler organs for black market transplant using only a mallet.

A BBC spokesman said ‘We like to think that we really have the cream of the sociopath community applying for The Apprentice each year. You would think that things like business acumen, leadership skills and suchlike would help you progress but in reality being an amoral scheister who’d stab their nan to death with a blade made from Bambi’s mother’s tibia in order to get ahead works much, much better.’

Finalist Luisa Zissman, who runs a cupcake shop in St Albans where the cakes start from £100, is up against Leah Totton, a medical doctor who plans to open a high street cosmetic clinic specialising in a new £7000 procedure known as the ‘walletectomy’.

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Meanwhile the irony of the prize being a job with someone responsible for the Amstrad e-Mailer is seemingly lost on everybody.