Chocolate fingering in actionFollowing revelations that a university graduate was made to dance to Daft Punk during the interview process for a shop floor job at Currys, The Marmot has learnt that an increasing number of employers are using selection methods that wouldn’t be out of place in a Kafka novel.

A study of recruitment practice by The Marmot has revealed that as part of the selection process:

– Pineapple Dance Studios make people sell ELECTRICAL EQUIPMENT
– Fortnum and Mason force applicants to play ‘SOGGY BISCUIT
– Bath Store WATERBOARD applicants to reveal CV lies
– Paint departments at B & Q make interviewees enact scenes from 50 SHADES OF GREY
– Potential Cadbury’s employees are forced to prove CHOCOLATE FINGERING experience.
– Estate agents are required to produce evidence of LIZARD DNA.

Jacques Yorbodie, an unemployed student from Uttoxeter told The Marmot ‘When I left university I thought my degree in applied vole hypnotherapy would be a gateway into a meaningful and rewarding career in the corporate sector. I had no idea how wrong I was when I was expected to dismember a cow during an interview as an admin assistant for PETA. How was I meant to know I was meant to morally object to it?’

Allegations that the selection process for Conservative MPs involves eating the heart of a newborn child could not be confirmed at this time.