Artificial hamburger

Deadly

Attempts to eat the first laboratory grown hamburger have gone hideously wrong today when the artificial junk food became self aware and defended itself vigorously.

Scientists were horrified when Dr Steven Bacon was decapitated by the £250,000 patty using a toasted burger bun.

One researcher told The Marmot “It was carnage. One thing we were about to make scientific and culinary history, the next thing there was real blood everywhere. As Dr Bacon tried to pick the burger up it ran off and started throwing things at our staff. The burger then realised that its toasted lid had a bit of sharp edge on it and hurled at Dr Bacon in similar vein to Bond villain Oddjob’s hat and took his head clean off.”

A spokesman for PETA said “We firmly believe that meat is murder, and this goes to show that we were right as despite there being no animals in the burger, the lab looks like a scene from Spartacus’.

It’s thought that attempts to grow an artificial rotisserie doner kebab has been put on permanent hiatus lest they trigger a worldwide ‘meataggedon’.

Meanwhile an attempt to make natural ‘Pot Noodles’ by cross breeding cannabis plants and noodle trees is proceeding as planned.