There has been widespread joy in South America as Morrissey announced the cancellation of his tour over some venues insistence on compulsory meat zones.

Morrissey, 65, is a vocal and irritatingly preachy advocate of veganism. In the past he has walked off stage at Coachella after being ‘nauseated’ by the delicious smell of meat from the festival vendors.

In 2011 organisers of the 10-day Lokerse Feesten festival in Belgium placated him by agreeing to ban meat for one day whilst he performed, despite the other days of the festival having a pro meat agenda.

However attempts to do the same thing in South America were met with a resounding chorus of derision. Jesus Gaucho, organiser of the ‘Fiesta del Cuadril’ in the Argentinian Pampas said
“We were all for having Morrissey perform on a tiny stage away from the main arena at our celebration of beef, kind of like a side dish with your steak. However when we found out about the stunt he pulled in Belgium we quickly realised that the only sensible course of action was to make meat compulsory, with the tickets being printed on a nice ribeye steak and revellers being made to eat it at the gate rather than the traditional ripping of a paper ticket.”

Artist's mockup of ticket

Artist’s mockup of ticket

Reports that Morrissey turned to vegetarianism after bereavement at the hands of an Indian cannibal, prompting him to pen ‘Girlfriend in a Korma’ could not be confirmed.