The Marmot's mockup of the new £500 benefit cap

The Marmot’s mockup of the new £500 benefit cap

The Marmot has learned that a plan to introduce a £500 cap for people on benefits have been derided this week. The trial is being rolled out in four London boroughs – Croydon, Bromley, Haringey and Enfield.

Initial reports suggest that the cap is ‘baseball’ style and made out of gold lame studded with cubic zirconia.

A spokesman for the Department of Work And Pensions said “We basically want to stigmatise those on benefits as humanly possible by making it really easy for you to identify them, whilst simultaneously ensuring that they will wear the cap by appealing to their sensibilities.”

Reports that Iain Duncan Smith originally wanted the cubic zirconia to spell the phrase ‘dole scum’ with each stone being connected via a spike so that the phrase is gradually etched onto the wearer’s face could not be confirmed at the time of writing.

Croydon's MC Pissflap

Croydon’s MC Pissflap

MC Pissflap, an unemployed grime artist from Croydon said “Fo shizzle this cap is the nizzle bizzle rizzle fizzle kerfuffle”. As Google Translate has yet to provide a ‘yoot’ translation service The Marmot isn’t able to tell you what this means. Labour’s spokesman said ‘We think that a £500 cap is frankly ostentatious, unless it is a flat cap that comes with a free whippet.”