Edinburgh Zoo has said there are strong indications that its female giant panda is pregnant following a particular heavy drinking session.

Smashed panda

Smashed panda

Tian Tian rolled in at 10am two Sundays ago after drinking heavily in the town’s Grassmarket area, walking a bit funny and with telltale ‘panda eyes’, no shoes and a scant recollection of the night before.

“It was all going really well until someone suggested we get on the sambuca shots” said Ting Ting. “I remember dancing on a table in Cabaret Voltaire, and talking to some guy. The next thing I know I woke up naked in a strange room with half a kebab stuck to my face and a strange sensation in my hindquarters. I got out of there as quickly as possible and jumped in a cab back to the zoo. Now they’re telling me I’m pregnant and I’ve got to keep it! My life is ruined!”

It’s thought that all animals at Edinburgh Zoo have now been issued with species-appropriate condoms and a morning after pill in a little glass case.