As commuters face up to the news that they are likely to face an average 4.1% rise in regulated rail fares, train operators have caused uproar by announcing that they will now accept human organs in lieu of payment.

Train Donor Card

Train Donor Card

Southern Rail’s head of PR Martin Tagnuts said “Many people think that rail companies are insensitive, profiteering wankers who don’t care about their passengers. I don’t think that is a fair assessment – I mean, just because our profits have risen year upon year and you’ve got more chance of getting a nosh off Kate Windsor than getting a seat in rush hour doesn’t mean that our shareholders don’t deserve more of your lovely, lovely cash.”

“But we as a company don’t want to be seen to be insensitive in times of austerity, so we are going to allow those of you too poor to pay £5000 a year for a season ticket donate an organ of your choice. A kidney gets you one year free, or two years for your liver. We’ll even throw in a ‘Prole Donor’ badge to allow you to cling onto the outside of the carriage when the train is inevitably full.”

Experts predict that it will be cheaper and quicker to engineer a bicycle made out of Faberge eggs than take a rail journey anywhere in the south of England by May 2014.