Researchers have determined that the cause of poorness in children is heriditary. Scientists from St Thomas’ Hospital in London have determined that poverty levels can be predicted by the presence or absence of a particular gene in one or both parents.

The gene (codenamed CA5-H) is thought to give a child natural immunity to poverty. From a genetic standpoint it did not matter whether one or both parents carried CA5-H, the net effect for the child was usually the same. The child was unlikely to go hungry or be short of Faberge eggs at any point in their lives, and were likely to end up running a hedge fund or working ‘in media’.

However in children lacking the CA5-H gene were likely to suffer from afflictions such as malnutrition, ginger hair, scurvy and think that polo is a kind of mint.

Unlikely to go hungry

Unlikely to go hungry

Tarquin Ocelot, 23, a trustafarian backpacking around India said “Like, yah, my daddy has got the CA5-H gene in buckets. Mummy is awfully rough by comparison and tested negative for CA5-H, but daddy thought some of her other ‘assets’ more than made up for it. It’s daddy’s CA5-H gene that’s made my gap yah possible, yah?’

As the birth of the royal baby approaches it is thought that the infant is unlikely to be deficient in CA5-H as both parents tested positive for the gene, but the likelihood of it having 16 fingers due to the lack of diversity in the gene pool of the elite is approaching 90%.