Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne has stunned political and economic commentators by announcing plans to introduce a tax on self pleasure.

tissues

A box of tissues, yesterday

A spokesman for number 11 said ‘Over the years successive governments have sought to generate extra income by taxing anything vaguely enjoyable, from cigarettes and alcohol right through to pile cream. However, a significant proportion of our society is not pulling their weight by having a cheeky tug now and then and not paying for it. With this new tax we seek to redress this inconsistency and help to eradicate the scourge of free things that are good.”

It is thought that the government plan to distribute ‘bash boxes’ to every household in the UK to collect funds on a ‘pay-per-wank’ basis. Two entirely new government divisions will be required to enforce the new tithe with one dedicated purely to de-frothing of currency and a team of HMRC inspectors with rubber gloves doing doorstep spot checks forĀ surreptitious climaxes.

Shadow Health Secretary Juan Kerr has been quick to point out that the policy could lead to a sharp rise in hospital admissions due to exploding teenagers, and the RSPCA has fears that zoos may have no alternative but to euthanise entire communities of bonobo apes or face bankruptcy. Meanwhile tissue manufacturers are bracing themselves for a sharp drop in sales and the prospect of redundancies.