As the storm over Internet bullying rumbles on after threats against women on Twitter and other noteworthy cases, some actual trolls have contacted The Marmot to set the record straight.A troll, definitely not online

Dorkuraz Baker, a traditional offline troll from Huddersfield said “I’m getting really sick of people using the name of my species as a byword for something that already has a perfectly functional name – bullying. I don’t even know what the internet is really. ‘Trolling’ is hiding under a bridge waiting for goats to go by and then eating them. Most of my day to day activities involve hiding from livestock and then eating them. We’re quite overt about this, everyone knows to be careful around bridges or cross at their peril.”

“However what I don’t do is harass vulnerable people online. I’d need a keyboard the size of a house to be able to type anything for a start. Call an online bully what it is, a bully – it makes no difference what the medium it is except for it being even more cowardly.”

Farmer Michael Rotch, also from Huddersfield says “Trolling really gets my goat. And sheep. And smaller cows.”