Amid allegations that it needs to do more to protect its users from abuse, Twitter had admitted that the root cause of the issues is that its service is ‘full of dickheads’.

Twitter

Twitter

“We’ve always had an active dickhead community as well as our relatively normal users” said Twitter’s head of marketing James Saville, “however the thing is we are seeing a shift in our key demographics. Historically our dickheads were of the mostly harmless skinny jean wearing, latte quaffing bell ends that have been ruining coffee shops since they invented the Macbook Pro. Now however the service has grown in popularity to the point where barely human neanderthals who enjoy Danny Dyer films are using it. This means things escalate quickly when these men discover that women are expressing their opinions on the Internet rather than baking tasty pies. This confuses the trolls so much that their tiny little brains have no option but to blurt out threats.”

It is thought that Twitter plans to bring in a new form of ‘Captcha’, a bit of computer code used to prove that a website user is human. “The new Captcha focuses on the correct use of punctuation and spelling since these threat-issuing wastes of skin are invariably semi-literate at best.”