That's science, bitch! Commentators are hailing this week as a momentous one for science following several scientific breakthroughs from the University of Lagos in Nigeria. Chibuihem Amalaha, a postgraduate student at UoL wowed the academic community this week by ‘disproving homosexuality’ using nothing but magnets. According to Amalaha his “groundbreaking” experiments show the north and south poles of two magnets are attracted to each other while same poles repel each other. Amalhala asserts that “This means that a man cannot attract another man because they are the same, and a woman should not attract a woman because they are the same. That is how I used physics to prove gay marriage wrong.” Other discoveries by the modern day renaissance man include:

  • Cancer can be cured by rubbing butter on your earlobe
  • Nuclear fusion can be achieved using only two paperclips and a pencil sharpener
  • Gays are made out of magnets

Speaking from the Nigerian Academic Standards Committee, Dr Tinchy Rascal said ‘We commend Mr Amahala on his work, which has been throughly peer reviewed, and also hail his work on developing a new standard model for homosexuality. We are looking forward to his forthcoming paper on ear candles as a treatment for AIDS with baited breath.’

Meanwhile it has emerged that the university has cancelled a forthcoming visit from TV physicist Dr Brian Cox on the basis that his surname sounds like two penises.