Zimbabweans are going to the polls in a fiercely contested election which have been hit by allegations that the vote isn’t ‘sufficiently corrupt’.

MC Mugabe pictured at Fantazia '92

MC Mugabe pictured at Fantazia ’92

President Robert Mugabe, noted electoral reformer and all round good guy has amused observers by saying that he will step down after 33 years in charge if he loses.

“The thing is, I had my fingers crossed when I said that and I did a cheeky little wink as well, so obviously it doesn’t count” said the Zanu-PF leader. “We have not attempted to rig the vote this time. Well when I say we’ve not attempted to rig it, what I mean is that we have definitely and comprehensively rigged it. Wink wink.”

Morgan Tsvangirai’s Movement for Democratic Change said “When our good friend Bobby Mugabe said he would stand down after an election loss we knew something was up, so we started scrutinising the electoral roll and were surprised by how accurate it was. Everybody knows that The Wombles emigrated to Zimbabwe in the late 80s when their TV work dried up so it was no surprise to see Great Uncle Bulgaria, Orinoco and Madame Cholet on there. We weren’t surprised that some people appear on it twice due to high levels of multiple personality disorder over here also, it all seems perfectly legitimate.”

When asked to account for the number of dead people on the list of eligible voters list a Zanu-PF spokesman mumbled something about zombies and then bit our reporter unconvincingly.